Appreciation is Healing

There’s nothing that heals a broken spirit better than a session of praise and worship. It is the aspirin, the morphine, the weed that brings on a high without rotting the body or brain.

I stumbled upon the full length Christian concert of Michael W. Smith featuring Hillsong with Darlene Zschech on Youtube and enjoyed a wonderful praise and worship session right in my room. Thank God for Youtube and full length videos!

Even though I haven’t been to the church for an EXTREMELY long time, I’m actually a very spiritual person. Not believing is a form of spirituality. I spent much time disproving and seeking evidence for the non-existence of God so that I don’t feel like I’m weak, that I need some higher power to dictate and take charge of my life. I’m not even an atheist who believes there’s no God. Being un-Christian was my religion.

But the more I fight it, the more I find that it is easier to believe. Whether or not He’s real, I’m still struggling with my faith, there’s no denying the change He has caused in my mum and stepdad. Perhaps their change has to do with age, but we can change in so many ways as we grow older. We can become bitter, joyless and suspicious, but I think God has showed them the better through His Word… to have a purpose and be constantly aware and grateful of the blessings they live in. Life is not perfect, but through the grace and promise of faith, life is beautiful. And death no longer fearful.

There is a thirst, a deep, innate hunger that only God can fill. Whether it is that crushing weight of loneliness, the painful embrace with low self-esteem, and/or that irreversible decline due to ageing, God lifts and provides the strength to rise above them all. I came to this conclusion because in the rare occasions that I listen in to Christian songs and feel an unfathomable degree of gratitude, I always feel such a surge of empowerment above the human condition.

It’s a very strange feeling. I cannot rationalise it. But something inside me actually felt good and experienced release from physiological, physical and circumstantial bondage. It is not a bodily escapade through alcohol/drug dependency, or sexual gratification, but a deep-seated contentment and spiritual liberation.

I don’t think it’s the Christian songs or sermons I listened to that brought on the rise above life. It has to do with the ability to appreciate, to allow oneself to be contented. And this ability to appreciate is inspired by Christ’s humility. He is the Son of God but He came down to die so that we may have eternal life.

Maybe the Bible or the collections of the world’s religions are mere fables but there’s no escaping that intrinsic hole that yearns for an explanation of our existence and purpose; a hole that finds its answers in giving thanks and showing appreciation to the Most High.

Believing is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of having been touched. The mind may not comprehend, but the soul knows very well.

Day 359 : Christmas Eve

This Christmas was about to become another non-event if not for a friend’s house party to celebrate the yuletide and heading down to my friends’ pub to get infected with the season’s cheer. I was prepared for a silent night, and much prefer it nowadays actually, just staying home and chilling with a movie or a good read over wine, but decided to stop being conquered by melancholy and pushed myself out of the house. My current battle with a bad neck notwithstanding.

So in the company of new friends made and old friends’ gaiety, this Christmas eve had spice although I was too drunk to remember much the next day. This photo is of friends who I’ve known for a long time (except the guy next to me at the back who’s someone’s friend and joined in the shot), some for more than a decade. Not everyone in the group is in the photo, I wish they are, but we’ve all been through some pretty wild times and really tough times… abuses, incarcerations, illnesses, fights, financial woes, death of love ones, etc. They are people I feel comfortable with anytime instantly without trying.

So when Cecilia called out for a photo to be taken of old friends, I felt the touch of Christmas. I may not see them as much, we may not have gatherings and outings like we used to years ago, but the joy and comfort of seeing them struck a chord of kinship that made getting older worth the while.

Enduring friendship is the great gift of many, many Christmas!

Day 335 : A Toast to Friendship

I haven’t caught up with Siow Har in a long time. We met during a basic digital photography course at SAFRA Photographic Club in late 2009 and really hit if off as pretty close friends who communicated frequently, went on numerous photo outings and overseas trips. We usually have so much fun because her unassuming and gungho personality unlocks all limits to what we can explore and do.

Because of her small frame, I used to associate her with being frail but she’s more garang than a lot of people I know. Sometimes her headstrongness can be at her own demise and draw the ire of others, but there’s no denying that her feist and zest for life are what caused many spectacular things to happen. I consider myself blessed by her friendship and the many who have been very generous in sharing their lives with me.

Then about a year ago, after the ScreenSingapore event, things took a turn and we drifted apart. Though we contacted each other much less, somehow that good friend feeling remained alive. So despite not catching for months, it didn’t feel like there was any rift when we met tonight to celebrate her upcoming birthday with a simple dinner and drinks.

I think good friends are like this… they are not jealous or possessive and they free you to make other good friends and even if you meet up for the first time after a long while, that familarity is rekindled in a heartbeat.

Happy birthday my dear friend and thanks for awakening the explorer in me with your lone trip to the ‘wilderness’ of Bangkok!

Day 328 : Love Lettuce to Mum

Recently, Singapore Post celebrated World Post Day (9 Oct) with a very meaningful photo contest on its Facebook page called Posting Moments. The contest encouraged Singaporeans to submit photos relating to moments where they would send and/or receive a post. It could be a letter, a present, or online retail therapy materialised. Submissions must be accompanied by a title and short caption to explain why that post meant something to them. The first prize is an iPhone 5… a very attractive reason for the contest to become the Apple of my eye.

So I obsessed about it day and night, thinking about what photo to submit. The natural thing to do would be to scour for meaningful letters, take a snapshot and upload. Problem is, contents in those letters are for my eyes only. Heh heh. And I don’t have a stamp collection to brag about although I used to dabble in philatelic pastimes for a while in my early teens. I wonder where did my stamp album, once so treasured, had disappeared to.

With no ready material, my enthusiasm faded. I had an idea that sort of examines the relationship between traditional post and the advent of SMS, email, Watsapp, Facebook, and what not, but to execute that photo needed help from friends and good weather. I’m up to my neck with work and some overseas trips so time wasn’t with me. And the weather has been sulky lately. Plus, the more I thought about the idea, the more lame and ludicrous it seemed.

Then today, I woke up with this other lame idea which is easier to execute in a photo, and meant a lot more to me. When I was studying in Melbourne in 2000 and during a period where I could only write letters to my mum because she’s totally un-techie, I always asked about her health and “Stay Healthy” is something I usually sign off with before “God Bless”.

Now that we are living together, I show my concern for her health by making salads for her dinner when I get the time. “Lettuce” and “Letters”, being phonetically similar, got fused in my brain this morning and this photo was born from the womb of wordplay.

My mum and I regularly send SMSes to express our love and care for each other but those are just words. They are heartwarming thoughts, but what if there’s something physical that come with the words. Instead of just saying “Stay Healthy”, wouldn’t it be great if I can send a vitamin pill or a piece of fruit, not virtual ones, that could make a physiological difference?

A SMS, Watsapp or email cannot do that. But with a traditional post, I can send health. Have your letter and eat it too. And that’s what this photo is about and my Posting Moments.

Too bad the brain wave came too late. Today is the last day for photo submission as well as the last day for voting. But well, since I’ve been mulling over the contest for so long, even if it means I don’t stand a chance in the contest, I would still like to have this post, a blog post, to tell mum I love her and please STAY HEALTHY! More letters lettuce will be coming your way!

Day 319 : 湿忆症

有些人在心里面逗留得不是很久，但牵挂却很长。想要对那些人失忆，反而更了解情意未干；越不去承认挂念此人，记忆却越潮湿。想失忆，反而湿忆。

在拍着张照片时，我想起了记忆就像雨后的积水。本来无色的一片石灰步道，转眼间浮现了周围的物与色，倒影了环境的记忆。但是它不永久。太阳出来了，地面的这一幕也就蒸发掉。

因深情而收藏的记忆也是如此。平时淡淡无奇，但经风雨时就会成湿忆，钩起那一段有人握住自己的手，话不用说，但心里已得到万分安慰的感觉。这种渴望在分手后则成为了痛苦。

不过痛也是短暂的。等到晴天霹雳，湿处就会干。

但天又下起雨的时候，心中的渴，又再度难受了。

Day 275 : 触境伤情

今天走路时有一点不小心，走到了 Albert Court Village Hotel (雅柏酒店)，勾起了一股浪漫的心酸。三年前，我曾与一位本以为可以长相厮守的人住过此酒店，度过了一个浪漫的周末。但这份感情很快就夭折，十个月后便完蛋，被对方以 SMS 的方式摔了。

我觉得放弃那段感情有点可惜，但我不想强人所难。这几年来每逢过大节或生日，我都会寄个简讯献上祝福，可我从来没收到过回应。对我来说，不能做情人也可当朋友吧。毕竟我们曾经那么密切，那么疼爱对方。

因为午饭时间到 Sim Lim Square 买 hard disk，在回公司的途中不自觉的走过这里，时间也突然回到当时入住的快乐心情和情况。我被那突来的感触愣住了脚步，想起了那个人，不知道那个瓜至今别来无恙吗？

今年手机在吉隆坡被抢，丢失了所有的联络号码。因为没有 back-up 联络档案，今年就没办法再寄问候了，也可能从此与这个人永远失去联络。

Day 262 : Good n Evil

I’m an angel, I’m the devil.

I can be saintly good, and also hellish evil.

I bring comfort with my actions, I too destroy with my words.

It is flesh red, it is black withered.

It beats with certainty, it murmurs with conflicts.

It has the voice of truth, echoing through a deep tunnel of deceit.

Day 245 : Pets to the Vet

Perhaps it’s the haze, Rainbow’s left eye turned red and sore. That poor dear can’t even open it when she tilts her snout up to look at me. She seems to be developing cataract in that eye too while her right one showed signs of cherrying up. God, why? First it was Joy, now Rainbow… why do You delight in giving me gifts with quick expiry dates?

Since I took Rainbow to the vet, I brought Joy along to have her chronic skin condition looked at as well as her toxic breath. We’d seek treatments previously but their effects were short-lived and after a while, we grew complacent.

But as we went to a new vet, Animal Recovery Veterinary Centre, I thought I’d seek a different advice and see if Joy can get better. The total bill came up to S$318. My eyes almost dropped out of their sockets. Now I need a doctor for my wallet.

Day 225 : The Colours of Love

I own a white Jack Russell named Rainbow and a brown Miniature Pinscher christened Joy. Their personalities are as different as their coat colours. Rainbow is the equivalent of a canine dolphin who gets along with anybody and is fiercely loyal. On the other hand, Joy is more of a sour puss who is fiercely loyal to being a bitch.

But I love them both just the same because under Rainbow’s friendliness beguiles a disboedient streak while Joy’s aloofness is compensated by her tenderness, a side she rarely shows but when she does, she makes you feel like the most important person in the world.

Actually, I’ve learnt a lot about love from them. Through Joy, I’ve learnt to love imperfection. Other than her princessy ways, one of her eyes is cloudy from cataract, her breath stinks to hell no matter how much we brush her teeth, and she has a chronic skin condition that not only causes regular spotting on her body, but also made the vet very rich.

Her name is Joy to remind my family and I of the joy of God’s love and salvation.

Yet despite her unlovableness, every time she looks at me with her one good eye left, my heart melts and time stops. I cannot explain my affections for her. I guess that’s the power of love. It defies logic.

The other thing I learnt about love, I realised it through Rainbow. And that is that love is conditional. Herein lies an irony. Didn’t I just learn unconditional love with Joy? How then is it that love now comes with the caveat of “terms and conditions apply”?

Her name is Rainbow because all seven colours of the rainbow combine to give white light; and the rainbow is a symbol of God’s convenant of grace with Man.

Rainbow has what I would call the Jekyll and Hyde syndrome. When at home, she is like a magnet that sticks to me all the time and always begging to be touched and caressed. But when I take her for walks, the docile angel turns into a winged devil who neither walked close nor heeded my calls to come to me. I can call after her till I’m Rod Stewart but that furball will just buak bodoh. She also constantly pick fights with other dogs.

Because Joy always “bullies” Rainbow at home, I sometimes call her a gangster. Little did I know, Rainbow is mafia.

It’s the reverse with Joy. She walks close and always respond to my call. It’s as if they switched souls, which led me to think that love is circumstantial. Bring a lover to a scary movie and that person will depend on you more; bring that person to an arena that is their element and you become a sideshow.

So how does the unconditional and circumstantial co-exist in the realm of love? In my reductionist view, unconditional comes when the person who loves us has limited or no choice and is acting out a repression in some way. And when a person has many choices and we are only one of them, his / her love would be circumstantial depending on who gets his /her attention at the moment and distraction is usually swift.

But the most important lesson I learnt from Joy and Rainbow is just let our true colours show, for the two dogs never mask their emotions and are always themselves, and hope that someone can love us for being white or brown, and all the shades in between!

Day 224 : Which Way To Go?

I find death both dismissive and obsessive, a consolation and a motivation. Everything shall pass. In death, everything in our mental, physical and emotional realm will cease. Whether we’re ready or prepared for it or not, regardless of our fear and anxiety about its arrival, one thing’s for sure… Life, will one day end. Sometimes swiftly and accidentally, most times slowly and agonisingly.

So what happens when we had our last breath? Is there reincarnation or a an eternal sentence of heaven or hell?

Death produces a hole that we fill with religion. The belief in an afterlife is most famously propagated by the Egyptians where mummification is a means of preparing the deceased for a rebirth here on earth. Thousands of years have passed. Has any of the mummified bodies resume life as it was intended outside of the inquisitive scrutiny of archaeology?

Since the old dead doesn’t become the new living, I wondered if reincarnation was the answer. So I reviewed claims and evidence of reincarnation, limited as my search and understanding may be, I found a common thread amongst people who claimed awareness of a previous life. Their knowledge of what they were before seem to have little impact on their ability now to ‘save’ the world. So what’s the value of someone knowing what they were in a previous life or lifetimes?

Perhaps then, the onus of a single God may provide the answer. If you live by the laws and accept the transfiguration of grace, one is saved from the damnation of hell. But biblical history and recent archaelogical discoveries have exposed the divine as merely the decisions of those humans who were placed in charge. They decide what goes in, or out of the holy scriptures under the derivative of God which no one can verify.

I am Christian, regretfully a questioning one of authencity. I study the philosophy of Buddhism and Taoism while trying to decipher the logic of Islam, Kabbalah, and Hinduism.

Is the world suffering from a pollution of religions? I yearn for an absolute revelation.

Day 217 : I Am Candle

We are like candles burning in solitude to light up the darkness we are in and feel trapped, or be placed on a holder that connects our light with each other to shine beyond the grim.

But eventually, we’ll all burn down.

Be it the spark of romance, the fire of friendship, or the stove of family; everything will burn out and melt away. The hand of God may place a new illumination in the void that’s been left by the previous candle, or oil that brings light…

… But always we must be contented with being the candle holder, while we strive to be the flame.

Day 214 : Love Grows

I pursue many passions and have many great loves in my life so far. And I thank God for this position of privilege to be able to love so many things in life… even though I’m terribly imperfect. Imperfection is a good thing, I think, because it lets me really experience life. If everything is perfect, life would be so bland.

But imperfection can break us. When we keep chasing our ideal of perfection, in our own eyes, or the eyes of society, or those we care about, we will never quite fit in and be happy.

However, I’ve discovered this… When we love more, there would be more love to give; and we become the perfect attraction to the things / people that we want attracted to us. We no longer need to chase after them, but they will come after us.

Then again, love shouldn’t be a blackmailing transaction where it becomes a weapon for guilt. Love is the answer when we know the questions to ask it for.

Day 206 : Thank You for the Pain

If everything was a bed of roses, we lose the sense of how sweet the flower smells. If life was always smooth-sailing, we won’t learn how to deal with storms. Call it cold comfort but when past hurts or present pains creep up on me, I’d like to think of them as lubrication for worst things that may come.

So to all the people who’ve hurt me, to all the issues that have broken me, and continue to do so… thank you. Thank you for the pain so that I learnt how to see the laughters in simple things.

And to all those who I’ve hurt unknowingly, you know I’ve actually been good to you all this while. Haha… Just like a muscle that has been torn during a workout, it heals stronger. What doesn’t kill us gives us strength to reach further

Day 188 : 找寻心家

每天在这 blog 上面投一张照片，一诉心语，有时候觉得蛮无聊且浪费时间的。这部落格又不是有很多的读者，也非盈利化，又没什么了得，花那么多光阴与精力在它身上干吗？

但，偶尔回顾这一百八十多天里所记载的点点滴滴，我不经觉得心，总算找到了一个家。虽然单身，我却不寂寞；生活有时候乏味，我却有一个让我添姿彩的空间。快乐也好，悲伤也罢，这里是我把体验和感想收藏起来的电子阁。

在这人生的道路上，我不断寻寻觅觅探索自己。我相信很多朋友也是一样。。。每活一天，每了解自己多一些。天生健忘的我，就选择了把每天的心旅记录下来，好在回温的时候认识自我，以防在生命里迷失了方向。

Day 175 : 庆幸有你

我擅长感叹巧遇的偶然，离别的突然，总对缘份为一项很确实的东西有很深的感触。世上的道路那么多，人那么多，我们却碰上走在一起。太神奇了。

我觉得每一个人都是让我连接到自己的一道桥梁。通过他们，我从理智的脑海到达了心处的沙滩。对我而言，每一个人就是一道桥，把我们从沉闷与无知带到充满色彩的天地。

望着这一条我家附近的弯字天桥，我不禁想起了把我带到很多不同地方的情人朋友。有时候他们带我到风景迷人的景点，有时候带我到达的目的地却又很黑暗。不过通过这由他们带领的旅程，一步一脚印，踏实的迈向活着的精彩。

很感谢我生命中的一道一道桥梁，也希望我可以成为他们的 bridge over troubled waters