Silk on the senses 《诡丝》

Some movies you see with the eyes. Some movies, you see with the mind. And some movies, you see with your heart. With《诡丝》’Silk’, you need to use all these senses… which is why movies like this one are so hard to talk about; you need to tell the whole story before being able to dissect why each component made this movie a good catch. To watch and take away what this film spoke, is better than to be retold.

Being a horror movie aficionado, few horror flicks can admit me as a Fear Factor candidate. But Silk had 2 scenes that gave me a good fright. No, that’s an understatement. If the level of fright could be measured, it would be the one or two centimeters that my butt jolted out of the seat. I hadn’t had the satisfaction to be that startled for a long time… a long, long time.

I won’t go into the technical details of the story and plot. What it impressed on me was the struggle between science and humanity to objectify or romanticize spiritually. Spirituality here is not grappling with religious or worshipped idols, but ghosts. In the movie, from a scientific angle, ghosts are magnetic energies left behind by a deceased; and on a humanistic level, ghosts are the spirits of loved ones who lingered on because they couldn’t let us go; so they stayed behind to wait for our demise so that we can join them. So there was the understanding and misunderstanding of what that thin thread of silk held to connect the living with the dying, or dead.

Of course the movie had its loopholes and falls such as how science could actually isolate and capture a spiritual energy. But that concept is incomprehensible when everything is reduced to molecules, atoms, and nuclei. The movie is also an Asian Benetton ad with its cast hailing from Taiwan, Hong Kong, Japan and China. That mix worked pretty well accept for the recurring cardboard ‘extras’ that neither had depth, nor credible acting skills.

And at the end of the movie where Zhang Zhen questioned the presence of his mother’s ‘ghost’… was it because she hated him so much that her spirit lingered out of grievance? But when the truth be revealed, her spirit stayed past its ‘expiry date’ out of love. All she wanted to do was the simple chore of cooking a hard-boiled egg for her son before her spirit is willing to depart. Once her act of love was completed, she had nothing else left in this world to hold her back. She finally departed.

And I thought of my mum. Of the bottles of water, or herbal tea that she leaves every night in my room. Every night. Whether I come home or not. Without fail.

That love is the silk that connects us.

The Haunted Apartments

If the Japanese are not busy retailing their schoolgirls’ worn panties, they’ll be busy concocting ways to hide their dead bodies. B-grade Jap horror movie, The Haunted Apartments, just added another place to stash these fetish icons, and guarantee their return as mindlessly vengeful spirits.

Places to hide corpses [preferably female Japanese teenage schoolgirls] for an excuse to make a horror movie :

The Ring

Teenage schoolgirl drowned in an old well became dial-in video conferencing ghost. Her body was trapped in the forgotten well.

Dark Water

Young schoolgirl drowned in water tank haunts to get a mother to accompany her lonely soul. Her body was trapped in the apartment’s water container on the roof top.

Ju-On

Once a schoolgirl murdered by husband crawls around like spastic lizard to kill anyone who stepped into her house. Her body was dispose of in her house’s attic.

AND NOW…

The Haunted Apartments

Teenage schoolgirl raped and murdered by her father kills tenants who don’t return home by her midnight curfew. Her body was trapped within her apartment’s bedroom wall.

Except for the really fake looking pincer-arm of the ghost, The Haunted Apartments is actually not too bad a watch. The story develops at a pace that is easy to follow and achieved what it sets out to do without out-smarting itself. The twist at the end, though cliché and tired, delivered a wasabi high… it hits you with a surprise, then tatter out with choking discomfort… but leaves a temporary satisfaction nonetheless.

Spun around the issue of sexual abuse by family members, this Jap horror captivated me not with its measly digital effects, but with well-planted creeps that sprang up at unexpected moments. My favorite scene is the one where a small girl was dragged across her parents’ bedroom by unseen forces while she was sleeping. It spooked my body hair right out of their follicles! The other scene was where the ghost came out of a handphone video conferencing. It sets you up for relief that the terror is over, then the real horror seeps through. It would’ve been even scarier if not spoilt by the comical ghost fingers that looked more giant crab pincers than menacing killing appendage.

How the apartments became haunted was because a teenage schoolgirl, sexually abused by her father, was accidentally killed during an incest encounter. Her body was then concealed in their apartment’s wall. The innocent dying a violent death always makes for sinister revenge and so that began the haunting of the whole apartment building. All inhabitants within it must return by midnight or they’ll face mysterious deaths. So why don’t the dwellers move out? The catch is, only the oldest residents can move out, provided there is a new tenant that moves in. By fate (how else?), the female protagonist, Aimi, and her father moves in, and can’t leave; until Aimi surrendered her father’s life to the vengeful claws of that spirit. As it turns out, Aimi was also abused by her father sexually so the cathartic similarity between her and the ghost finally freed all the other tenants.

As an entertainment piece, The Haunted Apartments fulfils its mission. It even tried to be funny with doses of over-acting. But that’s more than welcomed when compared to the puppet emotions of the movie’s lead cast. Put a long-haired wig on Kermit the Frog and he could’ve done a better job anytime. Otherwise, this is not a bad show to shave time off if your only other alternative is count the grains in a 5kg rice sack.

Be NOT possessed

Truly I tell you, The Possessed is a cinematic miracle! In this day and age of audience sophistication, this Thai horror movie still has the guts to show its face on our big screen. Bravo! I’ve long forgotten the distaste of watching a movie so bad, I wanted to walk out half-way; so I must really thank The Possessed for rekindling this feeling in me. My tolerance for very, extremely, tremendously, enormously, awfully, exceptionally, exceedingly, and really bad movies must’ve increased a thousand-fold.

This almost 2 hours suicide is so horrible, even my toenails want to cry. I don’t know what possessed me to watch this show, but whatever it is, let the grudge end with me. You would find more amusement in re-runs of PM Lee’s National Day 2006 Rally (remember mee-siam mai hum) than trying to find anything you like about this Thai voodoo flop. With its hum-sup camerawork more interested to show gyrating female physiques, The Possessed would be more at home in Yangtze cinemas. (For those not inducted, god bless you that you’re not, Yangtze is the place to go for sleaze movies in Singapore. Most of its patronage, I heard, are horny old men who can’t afford to rent a prostitute. And if you stepped on something slippery between the cinema seats, it’s not saliva. Lest you worry, it’s not germ-carrying mucus either.)

The story tells of an 18-year-old village girl, Dau, who was misled into becoming a Go-Go girl in Bangkok to earn money to treat her ailing grandmother. Dau is the descendant from a tribe of rural witches. So when little witch gets pissed in big city, she casts spells to get even with her nemesis (one of them being the Go-Go bar owner who had the pleasure of stripping her naked and taking her virginity. And the farang actor who had the privilege of on-screen intimacy with the young actress looked like Paul Spurrier, the movie’s writer-director himself! So is this movie made for the audience, or for his private excuse to cavort pretty teen girls legitimately?) Unfortunately, she violated some rules governing witchery and her spells backfires, thus causing her possession by a bloodthirsty phii (‘ghost’ in the Thai language).

It has a decipherable plot, but with one major flaw. Half-way through the movie, it introduces a lesbian theme. Dau has a love affair with her lesbian roommate and Go-Go Bar colleague, Pookie. It’s like watching a drowning man thrashing and kicking to keep his head above the water. Including lesbianism in this movie looked more like a desperate attempt to keep the movie interesting because the script is so starved of ideas.

Actually, watching The Possessed was rather melancholic for me. It reminded me of those days when my classmates and I were trying to put together a film for our Introduction to Television module in Mass Communication. I can vividly picture all those blunders and techniques that went behind the scenes with each shot in this worst than amateur production : the discontinuity in scenes, limiting the number of camera angles to hide the fact that we don’t have a convincing set, lighting errors, and repeating one CGI sequence as often as possible because that’s the only special effect we spent effort creating. And the music was all wrong! This box-office curse looked plagiarized from beginning to end. It reeked of the cheesy art direction from sleazeball Hong Kong director, Wang Jin, in the early 80s.

Perhaps this movie really has magic. It seemed to cast a spell to convince its producers, importers and marketers that it has commercial value. Please, I would rather donate S$9.50 to NKF and half-suspect that it’ll support a golden tap than pay for this astronomical crap. This movie is really so bad, you must be mad to catch it. Just consider that everything in the movie you had seen before, but watered down to a 2 cents budget. It’s so cheap, the word ‘free’ would sound excessively extravagant to describe it.

For whatever that may inhabit you, not even boredom, DON’T WATCH THIS SHOW!! The Possessed is what happens when an inexperienced film wizard (Paul Spurrier) tries to cast a cinematic spell, and it backfires.

夜宴 – 小心噎着

这顿夜宴不能吃，肯定会消化不良；如果章子怡那象木头般地演技不早把你给呛死，那等菜上桌都让你饿死。有时候我觉得这些好莱坞化的华语影片过份于注重艺术美而忘了如何与观众联系。

老实讲，夜宴的画面美感十足，但噌噌无奇。宫廷皇装早在《英雄》以及多个不胜枚举的古装连续剧里睹得两眼发酸，唯一创意归属与《夜宴》里的宾勇，但他们的盔甲似乎多了点 Lord Of The Rings，少了点真实感。

根底来说，《夜宴》共鸣了虚假荣耀地短暂性，情爱或许能得永恒。不过讲故事的手法有点可笑，尤其是官兵屠杀艺术家的一幕，真的咽不下去。其实他们看上去也不象是标新的艺术者，看他们歪头摆姿，多半象断了枝的白色稻草人。那象我这样的观众会问，意义何在？好像是本土梁家班的搞笑行动上错景那样，弄得我同情也不是，笑也不是。

《夜宴》看起来好像是中餐师傅不懂得用西式餐具，煮出了一道视觉美，但口味欠佳的影片。虽说‘龙眼识珠，凤眼识宝，水牛眼睛识稻草’，可能我的电影口味多属草类，但《宴》实在是票房毒药。

Can’t Feel A Pulse

PULSE

Try taking an ECG in a morgue and you get Pulse. It’s already dead when you arrived.                   

Riding on the digital, cyber-wave about the ills of technology gave birth to movies like Pulse. I hope Staying Alive would be more exciting since Pulse failed to resuscitate any heart rate. The movie was so slow and with such procrastinating camerawork, I had time to do my nails, get a haircut, cook a 10-course meal and re-correct MJ’s plastic surgery before getting into any scares.

Actually, I thought Pulse had a pretty good story idea. In a crux, Pulse is what happens when a computer virus gets flesh and comes to life. Then it starts wiping out biological computing processors… thus known as humans. On a more reflective note, it is a caution for the many net denizens who spend so much time on internet profiles and the web that we lose our identities and become empty shells ready to evaporate into dust at the slightest computer glitch.

More than that, I think, in the blog era, the irony is even starker. I know so much more of people I never met, than flesh-and-blood friends who’re just a phone call away. In the movie, anyone connected to the internet, mobile phones or wi-fi dies. With online piracy so rampant, it’s as if Pulse is putting a silent curse on anyone who downloads this film. ‘Watch this film on your computer for free and you die!’ What a hoot up for the lobby against piracy and the alienation that technology brought about.

How many of us can live without technology nowadays? I know I can’t. I spend more time on some ‘F’ sites than doing what I really need to do in real life. Pulse in a way is a wake-up call for me, but as a movie, it best exists as a nightmare that is forgotten when the light’s switched on. In the end, it reminded me of the Terminator series where humans live to fight advances in technology to stay alive. But in this case, the annihilation factor is a soul-sucking ghoul with vacant eyes and a big, big mouth.

I just found out that this film is also a remake from a 2001 Japanese movie with the same title by Kiyoshi Kurosawa. Haven’t Pulse circa 2006’s director, Jim Sonzero, learnt anything from Hollywood remakes of Japanese horror from predecessors such as The Ring, Dark Water and The Grudge? Leave the nihonjin makes alone. They may be less coherent, but they were much scarier!

Whole Lot Of Noise bout Nothing

*Sounds of warning sirens* … BLARE!!! BLARE!!! BLARE!!!

This is a public warning announcement service. If you see this poster (to your left) in cinemas or on VCD/DVD covers, do not, I repeat, DO NOT walk into the theatre or pop it into any video players.

Some movies lay traps to disguise a clever ending. Forbidden Siren lays traps, after traps, after traps, to try and distract you from feeling silly after you watched it. The movie is like a buffet of horror themes, but one that leaves a rancid aftertaste. Here’s every horror genre it had included into one very greedy film…

The Mysterious

The movie started with ‘reports’ of mysterious disappearances of a whole American shipping crew and the entire population of a small fishing island somewhere in Japan. It puts the audience in a sleuth mode to anticipate the horror that caused these total annihilations. However, these 2 disappearances happened decades apart from each other and at different locations to make them seemingly random.

The missing Americans were unnecessary to the plot if not for the movie’s need of English wordplay to make it seem smart. It repeated the words so many times, yet the words hold no key to unlocking any secrets or explain anything in the movie. It gives me the feeling that a Japanese writer just found out that ‘GOD’ spelt backwards is ‘DOG’, and ‘LIVE’ spelt backwards is ‘EVIL’, felt rather clever about himself, and decided to celebrate his genius by making a movie to emphasize it. It traps you into thinking so much that the phrases hold some power to the mystery, but when the movie explained itself, there’re no correlations. They could use those words or any other words in the movie’s incantations, it didn’t matter. The only necessary thread was the warning that ‘When the sirens sound, don’t go out’.

The Alien Critter

Early into the movie, a family (father, sister and younger brother) from Tokyo moved to this obscure fishing island to centre down. Almost as soon as they propped their luggage down, the audience were introduced to this centipede-like bug with its rows of feet extended out like the hind-legs of crickets. I must say that this bug looked very real and very well animated. With one scene where the bug sneaked away behind a wall while the main characters were talking, the movie seem to suggest that the ferocious looking critter is somehow important to the movie. Again, it led the audience down the wrong path.

I’m fine with movies leading their audiences’ expectations, but in the end, all these things that they highlighted and shown must fit into the jigsaw and explain the puzzle; not unlike giving a month’s old baby a pack of Durex. It’s totally irrelevant and worst, it can become a choking hazard. That’s how this well-designed but un-symbolic bug still got stuck in my throat 2 days after the movie. What a waste for such a beautifully crafted creature.

The Mythical

Sirens in the context of horror movies always conjure up images of carnivorous mermaids. At least Forbidden Sirens kept one part dedicated to its theme. But instead of merfolks making human chow, the story has it that the inhabitants of the island ate a mermaid instead. Years ago, the island was plagued with a foreign disease and almost everyone died. Knowing that eating a mermaid will grant them eternal life, the remaining survivors caught one and digested it. But that part of the footage was never depicted. It would’ve been interesting.

The Undead

But little did they know, when the sirens on the island sound, those who ate the mermaid turned into zombies not unlike The Night Of The Living Dead. That’s how they actually live on eternally. So there were scenes where the villagers turned into red-eyed zombies bent on capturing the only true humans left.

The sirens were nothing spiritual, but just simply steel mounted warning system not unlike those we have atop dedicated HBD flats.

The Psycho-Killer

The story seems forcibly interesting till now. Then the revelation came. There’re actually no sirens. The sirens are only in the mind of the ‘protagonist’ sister who couldn’t get over the death of her brother. What a PR piece for Woodbridge. I learnt more about schizophrenia from this movie than any poster IMH had ever put up. At this point, the movie rewinds to show the inexistent brother and all to explain this was a psycho-hoax of a horror movie. This concept was so dry, I swear I felt my brain swivel up and crack.

There was also this one scene where the father, who was possessed, came back as a shovel wielding psycho-killer to hack his daughter and young son. Then again, at the last point of the movie, you could only try and guess if it’s not the makings of the ‘protagonist’s’ mind. And as if that was not enough, the show ended with the sister (the female lead and protagonist in the movie), rising up from her hospital bed to stab the doctor who had been helping her all along.

– — –

There’re so many themes visited briefly and discarded in this movie, I thought I was watching the reject pile from more respectable yesteryear horrors edited into one film. And the acting was about the same as watching my auntie having her menstrual cramps… which is simply painful to watch. All the female protagonist does is look worried and scream, but in different costumes. The rest of the characters have expressions more stale than roadkill.

The only saving grace of this movie was actually the opening titles. It was rather creative and visually interesting. After that, you’d get more creeps looking at a still photograph of Al-Queda’s chief, Osama.

A Host Of Ingenuity

THE HOST

Here’re some scares with brains and lots of laughs. The basic plot may be Godzilla soaked in kimchi, but The Host is one monster of a good movie to have finally spawned from Korea. I would say The Host is more a political satire than horror fare with the fishy reptilian, and its mouth that opens up like a tulip, a host to carry the message across. The humor is disarming and comes at the most unexpected moments blended seamlessly with tension and fear.

This show is about the things we can accomplish when we work as a family, but it is also about the fact that what the authorities do and focus on may not always be right. Because who makes up authority but people… and people err. It just takes one idiot in power to uncover a string of fools. History has a photo album to show.

What I learnt most from the movie is from this one scene where all the people who had came into contact with the creature were quarantined, as it was believed that the monster carries some sort of virus within it that can infect humans. Amidst all that fear, sorrow and confusion, a guy in yellow from the infectious disease control unit came into the quarantine area and started to order everyone onto buses and he talked to and herded them like animals. At this moment, one guy (Korean actor, Park Hae-il) stood up and demanded to know why they need to follow that instruction without any explanation on what was happening.

That struck me as yeah, almost all the time we’re told what to do and we just follow. It’s something imbued within the Asian culture where we don’t defy the authority, usually a father-figure. Authority does have its knowledge, but authority is not always right. As children, we have to listen, because we have much to learn. But as adults, don’t put us on a leash any longer. Globalization is nothing new. With the IMF and many more international events turning up, we are growing up faster and maturing sooner. We need to question not to challenge authority, but we need to find ways to do things that suits the ways things should be done today, not based on yesterday. So we need to ask more questions, and ask them quickly. If we always do what we had always done, we will always get what we had always got.

Anyway, as it turned out, there was no virus and no treat of mass infection from the mutated creature. The monster just merely chomps people for lunch, but to cover up the mistake, the Korean infectious disease unit perpetuated the infection myth and did more harm than good for the interests of the people. And who got them to buy the infection story in the first place? The United States media.

This movie is a masterpiece in not just its storytelling, but the message and subtlety in handling issues of a rather political nature. And the creature was very realistic and well-animated and presented itself as the perfect decoy as to what the movie truly is about. Oh, and did I mentioned it was also incredibly funny in a non-slapstick sort of way?

Are you ready to get closer to the fear?

My sleep continued to be haunted from the 9.15pm session last night. Ghost Game was one hell of a movie to watch. It has a nice tingle to jibe our diet for reality TV… what if the challenges set ahead cause people to die from it? From those earthworm slurping, goo drinking tests popularized by Fear Factor, had any one of its contestants ever get a bad bout of poisoning and are given the ‘You’re out’ phrase in the game of life? A case of ‘Get rich, or die trying’.

I’m a horror fiend. And I hadn’t seen many good scares around, especially of Asian make. But Ghost Game was a pretty good effort. The production was slick and the tension was gripping from beginning to end. I love the attention to detail and color treatment given to the opening war memorial sequence. The casts were also competent (they’re actually contestants from a Thai reality talent competition) and the spook factor was really high with a dash of Thai voodoo, torture chambers and ghouls that came fast and quick. Its scripting was also well-threaded as there’re no gaps and not too many unnecessary sub-plots. Everything worked this film to be my orgasm of a horror movie, until the ending. The killing of the contestants became rather tedious and I can’t make head or tail of the motivation for a last surviving character. Nonetheless, it’s a good movie to learn 1,001 ways to express fear with your face.

I think Thai movies can rival Bollywood anytime soon and is definitely way ahead in epic proportions compared to the leanness of Singaporean movies. For one, Thai movies have a wider range in their story themes (before Ghost Game, I saw another Thai movie called Bite Of Love; about the love between a little girl, Khao Niew, and her dog, Moo Ping. It’s a rather slow movie and somewhat patchy, but do bring tissue paper) with an international appeal rather than the limited cinematic vocabulary of local films, which usually reads like a social commentary (Army Daze, Bugis Street, Money No Enough, I Not Stupid, 12 Storey, 15). If the scenes do not happen in a HDB flat, they’ll surely be at hawker centers. If they’re not about Ah Bengs, they’ll be about Ah Quas, with some slapstick humor thrown in.

Well, hopefully our local films can be force-fed some sizeable budget soon with scripts that are not off a documentary. Meanwhile, I’ll await the video release of Ghost Game to add to my collection of horror movies. I don’t just face my fears, I re-live them.

鬼域

野花取之，月缺，赤地，天地脱色，绿草无根。。。

期盼《鬼域》的上映，等得我白内裤都发黄了。在看这部电影之前，我对它的故事内容一点头绪也没有，只是看了几幕影片介绍花絮而已；觉得视觉感还不错，有点类似《咒乐园》的景图格调，甚至连海报的风格也稍有略同。但，我大错了！

终足彭氏兄弟的这部恐怖新作后，我不禁觉得这是一个多有层次的作品，让我叹为观止，回味无穷。《鬼域》不单电子动画效果特佳，故事内容更是标新立异，扣人心弦，看得我心又酸又麻，眼露流个不停。不仅如此，《鬼》的剧本还含有诗意，词句非常漂亮。

《鬼》题材于循环意识，相比于灵异空间的轮回，而‘鬼域’就是所有被人类遗忘的东西，事，想象，与人的聚集地。担任女主角的李心洁在戏里演一名作家，定言。她在出版了一系列文艺爱情小说后决定以灵异为她下一本书的题材。就在开始写这本书的当儿，她踏入了幽灵的世界。不过故事没那么简单可预测，接下来的情节更是曲折多拐弯 （我也不多说啦，免得谋杀剧本）。导演的拍摄手法也蛮讲究地。在树造定言写作的内心世界时，此片的开头镜都是接二连三的特写镜头，把人物的传神紧紧地记录下来，让观众近得也有一点不舒服；直到剧情参半女主角周遭事物时，镜头才拉开。

看了那么多亚洲制的恐怖片，我觉得不论是视觉效果，动画，故事题材，演技，或主题，《鬼域》都鹤立鸡群，胜出各个领域。看了这部戏，我不由地觉得被遗忘是一件多么悲伤可怕的事。我很久都没看过如此有含意的恐怖片，真的值回票价！实在过瘾！

SM in the cinema

I know what whore-trained minds would think with a title like this. Sorry to disappoint, but this is not an eyewitness account of darkroom sadism or mastery. No, wait a minute. This IS about SM in the cinema; where some shows are so bad, you have to be a masochist to watch, while some films made slaves of us to our emotions, abet mindless. So here’s some takes on two totally different genre of movies united only by their initials SM – Scary Movie 4, SuperMan returns.

The scene opened with a Saw 1 spoof. A black basketball player (Shaq O Neil) and a doctor were each chained on one leg to metal pipes at opposite ends of a lavatory. You recall that scene. To free themselves, yup, you got it, they had to saw off their feet. Afraid to be the first to self-mutilate, Shaq taunted the doctor to do it first…

Shaq : Your mamma was right, you’re a big chicken. You don’t even have the guts when your life depended on it!

Doc : Oh yeah? Well, mamma was wrong! I have loads of balls! (Doc proceeded to saw off his foot)

Doc : (holding up his foot sawn off at the ankles) Yeah! Now who’s the big chicken! HAHAHA…

Shaq : (looking at the doc incredulously with wide opened eyes) Man! That’s the wrong foot!

From then on, it’s scene after scene of funny-bone breaking spoofs of movies and celebrities. The Scary Movie series has traditionally adopted this formula and part 4 didn’t fail to please. Of course this movie is just a brainless piece of slapstick toilet humor, but it was good fun to watch. It was always amusing to see how the show can link up so many different movies to form one congruent storyline. There are some rough edges here and there, but who brings logic into a show like this? Apart from Saw, the other blockbusters that got spoofed were Ju-On (The Grudge), War Of The Worlds, The Village, Million Dollar Baby, and the Oprah Winfrey episode with Tom Cruise in it. It was hilarious and the sets were all so impeccably copied from the original movies. SM4 is a good way to spend S$7.50, but not for smart-asses with snotty reverence of their ‘intelligence’.

Then I saw SuperMan Returns. For this entire cape swooshing routine, I can’t wait for the two-and-a-half hour movie to end. Perhaps it’s the trend to humanize superheroes. Spiderman 1 did it, and yanked my heartstrings out. Batman Returns did it, and my heart ached for it. Now Superman Returns did it, and I wanted to drive a screwdriver through my heart because I think the pain would be more bearable than watching this uninspired crap. Spiderman and Batman did it with such finesse and subtlety that it leaves you to think and reach an understanding of the characters. Superman was just confusing.

The story premise was that Superman left earth for 5 years and then returned and became its protector again. Yawn. The reason why he left (because he wanted to find his home planet, Krypton) was weak, and the reason why he returned… err… wait, why did he return again? So it seemed Superman, the sole survivor of an alien race sent to earth and grew up as a farmboy hopelessly addicted to crystals, had an identity crisis? The movie didn’t resolve that in a manner that was inspiring as with how Spidey and Batty revealed their sacrifices to protect humanity but forgoing love.

Then there was this repressed love-hate relationship on the part of Lois Lane for Superman that amounts to nothing much in the plot except that they had a child (sorry to spoil the mystery, but yes, Lois and Superman had a 5 year-old son). Yawn. Despite Superman being probably the first of all superheroes, Bryan Singer (the director) had managed to create a film that is without a moment of tension, no laughs, and not even a tear. It is pure cinematic dementia. At best, Superman Returns is a 150-minutes Mattel commercial for a levitating Ken doll.

A Book, A Phone, A Nun and Some Nasty Slugs

Singapore Sporting Icons Series 3

Yay… finally the book that I had contributed articles for is published – Singapore Sporting Icons Series 3 : A Fledging Sporting Singapore. This is the third installment of a book series about athletes and the sporting scene in the country. I spent a lot of time writing the 6 stories ranging in length from 3,000 to about 6,000 words. The writing fees for this project were really modest, but I learnt a lot more about the economy of sports and also, for the book to add credence to my literary portfolio. Hopefully more writing jobs will be sentenced to me soon.

Nokia 6280

Upgraded my mobile set to the Nokia 6280 on 28 May for S$38 with a 2-year contract renewal with Singtel. It is true that ‘good things don’t come cheap, and cheap things are not good’. I’m now anemic from the amount of blood I vomited over this handset. First of all, the phone is so long-winded when it comes to sms. I must go through like a zillion steps to send a message.

Then the phone keeps getting its reception cuts off. In places where my friends with Singtel have full reception, my slider phone records no signal. I had to switch the phone on an off ever so often just to reinstate the signal connection.

Finally, the music player should be called a party pooper. It’ll play music for a while, then halfway through, it’ll stop and the screen blacks out. If it’s mood is good, it’ll function properly. Otherwise, I’ll have to start and restart the player. All these problems I encountered the 2^nd day I got the phone. Maybe it’s just that the handset I got was faulty. Will probably send it to be looked at before I get hypertensive.

The Nun that Slither

Out of self amusement, I went for 2 movies back-to-back yesterday (8 Jun) at Orchard Cineleisure. I’m a big fan of horror so I had about 210 mins of scares, or should I say, bedtime stories. I caught the 9.30pm Slither first and was stupefied by the B minus minus grade of the show. The movie had more cheese than a guy who hasn’t wanked since 1980. You could easily mistake it for one of those 80s horror classics such as The Blob or those cheap monster flicks. That crash-landing-alien-feasting-on-humans storyline is floor-licking blandness that could only be spoilt further by a pretentious love story between beauty and the beast. But this movie had a sense of humour that is disarming and really quite funny. My favourite scene is the one where a hunter didn’t realized he was split into half by the creature, and as he was standing there contemplating what had happened, he opened right in the middle from top to crotch, with a spontaneous spill-flow of his stomach and guts. Awesome. This movie is definitely homage to all the sci-fi horror of my bygone primary school years.

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After I slithered out at 11.15pm, I went to the box office and bought myself The Nun for 11:30pm. Why do I never learn? For those sacredly cats with balls the size of chick-peas, this would be a good practice movie for you. Besides the cool effects of the levitating waters, nothing else could wash this piece of screen sin clean. The script tells of an abusive nun drowned by 6 of her pupils and 18 years later, came back for vengeance slaughter. This punishable 2-hour movie offered little gore, kindergarten special effects, and a clumsy ending that is a total Sixth Sense rip-off. The only thing that admits this waste of film into the scare genre would be the horrific acting and equally inane dialogues.

Checking out of this Hostel

#%*$ @!&..$$ #%-()#@-&*>?& #!!$#?% $@*)<%$#!?…

No, the above is not a transcript of Dr Mahathir’s political intelligence. They are also not censored curse words. They are my cyber-puke…

… from watching Quentin Tarantino’s new film, Hostel. I didn’t puke for it to be exaggerated poo poo because the movie was bad. I puked because this movie literally made my stomach sick. I didn’t really vomit, but I was very close to it. This movie is a twisted, painful, mother-f**king piece of gory cinema. Hostel made Saw a Tellytubby jerk-off porn. It is totally brutal.

I don’t remember a show that made me feel so uncomfortable and sick. My legs were actually quivering a little when I took a leak during the movie. Not that I really needed to pee, but I needed to escape from that intestine churning, bile inducing gore. I took my time at the toilet. I dreaded facing the big screen again. I even thought of leaving. I felt queasy and all light-headed. But I stayed on. I survived Hostel.

The story told of 2 Americans (Paxton and Josh) and an Icelander (Oli) backpacking through Europe. (A guy used a Beck and Decker handdrill to drill holes into the chest and thighs of Josh). As horny sex-hungry tourists, they were pointed to a hostel in an obscure Slovakian town stocked with beautiful, horny women. (A Japanese girl had her toe clipped off). The women were lures to drug the guys and had them sent to a torture-slaughter factory. (Paxton had 2 of his fingers hack-sawed off). That town actually runs a business called Elite Hunting, where people pay to torture and kill other people. (A bald guy had his head bashed in by stones). (Another Japanese woman had her right eyeball pulled out). (Same Japanese woman jumped into the track of an oncoming train; had her head severed, and blood splattering like a squashed orange). (Guy being cut open at the abdominals with all the insides on the outside). (Lots of hacked up body parts and smashed faces). (Old guy had his fingers cut off with a scalpel, got face dunked in toilet bowl with his own faeces and had his throat slit). (Lots of blood).

But come to think of it, Hostel will make a great date movie. However, do not watch this show with a full stomach, or when recovering from a hangover. Oh, and expect lots of titties of beautiful women. They’re cute. They’re nude. And they’re huge!

My eyes saw (sore)

Did an evening for myself mid-December 05 after all the parties and being with people. It was nice to just have tuna salad in front of my TV set giving myself the spooks. Hmm… maybe coz I hang around with frightening friends so much, I can’t go by a night without scares. With the lights turned down low and dim, I watched The Maid and Ju-On Prequel on VCD.

Then with the start of the new year, I saw In Her Shoes on Tuesday (3 Jan) and The Heirloom on Wednesday (4 Jan). I think I’m too free. Anyway, here’re my takes on the movies, though subjective, may save some of you $$ on movie tickets, purchase or rental.

THE MAID

Err… what? Did I watch this movie? Oh subconscious mind, you are telling me I actually saw this movie and don’t remember nuts about it except Benny Soh’s great acting and the inane dialoguer that kept repeating, “It’s late, better go to sleep.” You mean that wasn’t actually telling me to sleep instead of wasting time with this well-marketed lullaby? Oh… What again??? Counting what little hair I have left on my head would have been scarier?

JU-ON : THE PREQUEL

Saw Ju-On, Ju-On 2 and now the Prequel. I’m still getting goosebumps mentioning this the name. The style of story-telling may be confusing for those seeing any of the series for the first time, but after you know how the story unfolds as each character folds into each other, the spook never ends. Ju-On doesn’t rely much on sudden, loud sound bites to scare, but by the mere suggestion what is going to happen. The suspense is gripping even though the ‘ghost’ moved like a decapitated iguana. A mother and son team in horror… sh*t, peed in my shorts again. How many times this movie wants me to change my briefs? I’m so buying the whole series. And my mum can do more laundry.

IN HER SHOES

Another one of those reconciliation movies. But this one must’ve outdone them all with sisters patching up with each other, lovers swearing forever love, strained mother-in-law and son-in-law relationship mended, and lazy girl gets emotional with dying old professor. As you can expect with movies like these, there’re a lot of talking. First half of the movie will establish the strained and strange relationships each character is having with each, then the next half is the Kleenex segment where everyone feels so good and ‘the world is so beautiful’ from hence on. Crap. I would be more entertaining if you paid me S$8.50. To me, this is a tired story, but not unwatchable.

THE HEIRLOOM

The scariest thing about this movie is how the long, jet-black hair of the female protagonist looms from scene to scene. This movie had a production the budget of my bank account… which is pathetic. Don’t expect fancy special effects or make-up scarier than me in drag (now, that’s really scary), all you get is a loopy storyline as confusing as Michael Jackson’s gender. The opening sequence of the movie with numerous pairs of dangling feet worked very well. And it should’ve ended there. Or if you take my advice, walk out after you had seen that scene for nothing else that followed would quicken your heartbeat above the rate of a deep slumber.

BOO!

Halloween. The only day I can walk the streets without scaring anyone. Not in the habit to celebrate Halloween, but thanks to Roxanne, we could finally stop dressing up like humans and be our true selfs… for one night. And it was great fun! Everyone was so game and showing off our true colors was much simpler than it looked.

I couldn’t decide if I should go in my past life as a Sailormoon raped till death by an eight-tentacled dildo with 10-inch spikes, or to reveal my love for compulsory military service in a death ten times over when I was 18. No saving of anyone’s privates as the dead solider in me prevailed. So I went, as Lance Corporal Sincerity, captured during a resistance battle for the freedom of speech… and chewing gums. The enemy was very harsh.

As a prisoner-of-war, I was locked up in a tiny cell with no natural resources and I had to do everything I was told. All was very regimented and if I exercised reasonable free will, I get fined and disciplined. Everyday, I had to work very hard and for very long hours just so I can stay alive. Occassionally, I get to visit the other cells, which were much, much bigger. Every cell had a name and mine was called StagNATION. While the other cells had lesser controls, I heard there’re lots of fighting going on with the inmates. Some of them even bomb each other just because they can’t agree that apples can be eaten raw. Diseases were also widespread and death most fowl. And when their cistern got stuck, flood happens. Thankfully in my cell, I drink my own pee.

Then one day, I was told I can choose to go to another cell or stay. So I had to make the decision if I’m a stayer; and since I don’t know what’s in the other cells and having been conditioned to let someone else do the thinking for me, I decided to stay. All these while, the fight rages on with killer words and sticky gum. But the resistance won because for pure survival, freedom of speech and thoughts had to be liberated… and people need to chew gum.

And the time came when all the prisoners of war could be released. I was elated. Immediately I took my small little kaki green sling bag and rushed out. But in my eagerness, I failed to see a big wad of gum spread out on the stairs leading out of my prison building. And that was very sticky gum. So my boots got stuck, I lost my balance and tumbled all the way to the bottom of the steps. At the same moment, thousands of fleeing inmates trampled over me and there was this guy in 4-inch high stilettos leaping off the parapet next to the flight of stairs towards me.

The penciled heels plunged into my abdomen. Right foot on my left chest, left heels in my right abs. That’s how Sincerity died.

But that’s hardly sensational compared to Michael who came as Huang Na, the murdered child whose parents had now built a mansion back in China from the donations received. Recreating that hairstyle came really by fate. Toys R Us had these foam wigs for sale for Halloween. I counted 5 different styles and designs, but by the time we got to the outlet at United Square, there were only 2 designs left. And that was the last one of the design. It normally cost S$24.90 for the wig, but since one of the ponytails was torn, Michael got it at a special rate of S$15.00.

After Roaxanne’s party, we headed to the clubs. And the scariest thing was that we were the only few in costumes! That’s really not so bad, but the worst was to be snubbed at when you try to spread some cheer by ‘scaring’ the strangers around you. Where’s the spirit of fun, which I believe is what Halloween encompass?

Fabulously Fantastic

Stretch your movie budget for this torching hot heavyweight of a blockbuster before it disappears! That pretty much sums up the special powers that the ang moh F4 possess…
Mr Fantastic (Ioan Gruffudd) : if only condoms were made of his body, then they would never break. He stretches and coils like a boa constrictor and still snaps back in good shape. Wonder if he could stretch his love-tube? Would it be as limp?
The Invisible Woman (Jessica Alba) : now you see her, then you don’t. But you definitely don’t want those solid killer bosoms to disappear. Her peek-a-boo boobs would’ve floored villians anytime. (Of course unless they’re not turned on by smooth, ample cleavage)
The Thing (Michael Chiklis) : he’s The Incredible Hulk with a bad tan. Hard like a boulder on the outside, soft like bambi on the inside. He’s also got some of the worst lines.
The Human Torch (Chris Evans) : his body itself will set the screen on fire without torching up. This man-child character has a body to die for and the movie-makers turned into meat-mongers… to the delight of slurping females (and I think I heard some males secretly gasping).

This movie is a no-brainer entertainer… leaps better than most unentertaining brainless money s*ckers. The effects were great and the storytelling crisp, so there wasn’t a moment for paint to dry. Then only grouse I have about it was that the final showdown between F4 and Dr Doom (the villian, Julian McMahon of Nip/Tuck fame) was too short. It ended so abruptly, I was still at the edge of my seat waiting for an explosion of sorts. The only explosion I got was when the theatre’s house lights came on. It’s like dumping ice on a hard on.