SM in the cinema

I know what whore-trained minds would think with a title like this. Sorry to disappoint, but this is not an eyewitness account of darkroom sadism or mastery. No, wait a minute. This IS about SM in the cinema; where some shows are so bad, you have to be a masochist to watch, while some films made slaves of us to our emotions, abet mindless. So here’s some takes on two totally different genre of movies united only by their initials SMScary Movie 4, SuperMan returns.

Scarymovie4poster3The scene opened with a Saw 1 spoof. A black basketball player (Shaq O Neil) and a doctor were each chained on one leg to metal pipes at opposite ends of a lavatory. You recall that scene. To free themselves, yup, you got it, they had to saw off their feet. Afraid to be the first to self-mutilate, Shaq taunted the doctor to do it first…

Shaq : Your mamma was right, you’re a big chicken. You don’t even have the guts when your life depended on it!

Doc : Oh yeah? Well, mamma was wrong! I have loads of balls! (Doc proceeded to saw off his foot)

Doc : (holding up his foot sawn off at the ankles) Yeah! Now who’s the big chicken! HAHAHA…

Shaq : (looking at the doc incredulously with wide opened eyes) Man! That’s the wrong foot!

From then on, it’s scene after scene of funny-bone breaking spoofs of movies and celebrities. The Scary Movie series has traditionally adopted this formula and part 4 didn’t fail to please. Of course this movie is just a brainless piece of slapstick toilet humor, but it was good fun to watch. It was always amusing to see how the show can link up so many different movies to form one congruent storyline. There are some rough edges here and there, but who brings logic into a show like this? Apart from Saw, the other blockbusters that got spoofed were Ju-On (The Grudge), War Of The Worlds, The Village, Million Dollar Baby, and the Oprah Winfrey episode with Tom Cruise in it. It was hilarious and the sets were all so impeccably copied from the original movies. SM4 is a good way to spend S$7.50, but not for smart-asses with snotty reverence of their ‘intelligence’.

Superman_returns_2006Then I saw SuperMan Returns. For this entire cape swooshing routine, I can’t wait for the two-and-a-half hour movie to end. Perhaps it’s the trend to humanize superheroes. Spiderman 1 did it, and yanked my heartstrings out. Batman Returns did it, and my heart ached for it. Now Superman Returns did it, and I wanted to drive a screwdriver through my heart because I think the pain would be more bearable than watching this uninspired crap. Spiderman and Batman did it with such finesse and subtlety that it leaves you to think and reach an understanding of the characters. Superman was just confusing.

The story premise was that Superman left earth for 5 years and then returned and became its protector again. Yawn. The reason why he left (because he wanted to find his home planet, Krypton) was weak, and the reason why he returned… err… wait, why did he return again? So it seemed Superman, the sole survivor of an alien race sent to earth and grew up as a farmboy hopelessly addicted to crystals, had an identity crisis? The movie didn’t resolve that in a manner that was inspiring as with how Spidey and Batty revealed their sacrifices to protect humanity but forgoing love.

Then there was this repressed love-hate relationship on the part of Lois Lane for Superman that amounts to nothing much in the plot except that they had a child (sorry to spoil the mystery, but yes, Lois and Superman had a 5 year-old son). Yawn. Despite Superman being probably the first of all superheroes, Bryan Singer (the director) had managed to create a film that is without a moment of tension, no laughs, and not even a tear. It is pure cinematic dementia. At best, Superman Returns is a 150-minutes Mattel commercial for a levitating Ken doll.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Anonymous
    Jul 01, 2006 @ 08:07:17

    I failed to see a big wad of gum spread out…
    hahhaa.. i swear i read a big wad of cum! hahahhaa…
    what imaginative mind! Sailormoon raped till death by an eight-tentacled dildo with 10-inch spikes hahahahaa
    hi hi.. i found y ou correctly right.. haha, add you liow.


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