I’m in a monopengamous-relationship. Not.

Have you ever been to a singles party and the organizer tells you a monogamous relationship won’t work? Maybe that’s a more severe affliction of a lesser demographic where the sanctity of marriage is hard to come by? Infidelity is not an exclusive right in the coupling of testosterones. Of course the other 90% of the population has their fair share of polygamy and a marriage cert is by no means a talisman against lust and adulterous affairs. What’s different, in this case, is the view that in order for a closed relationship to work, it has to eventually open up. That, in order for two committed silver-haired to arrive at a golden sunset, they have to share the white cream of orgasm, sometimes together, sometimes apart, but with full knowledge, consent, and blessings from each other along the way.

‘Tis the irony of love… devoted to you, but can donate to many. And in my view, it is the love of ourselves and our desires more than loving our partner that proliferates the donation (read : sex) drive. Well, if the partners are of the same mind, then perhaps two selfish acts equal one magnanimous act of sharing… that of our bodies with many people? Is it any wonder AIDS and STD infections are on the rise? (This is not a condemnation of sex or to stake responsibilities on any particular group of people. It is just an observation of the correlation between increased infection rates and the promiscuity of mind. And that’s a no brainer. Yes, we can practice safe sex. But why are the numbers still rising despite double-digit growth in Durex’s stock?)

The argument is that if I have sex with other people and I’m honest about it with my partner, or the caveat is that both of us must partake together, then there’s nothing to hide, so we cum (pardon the pun) clean to each other. It’s a symbol of the strength of our love. Well, the effigy of honesty is carved out of what suits you best. I’m not trying to be a moral bigot nor is it my right to judge. If two (or three) people can find love and fulfillment in whatever union matrix they prefer, then I would say Go For It!

What I am contesting is the assertion that an open relationship is the future of monogamy. It’s like saying, “Polygamy is sooooo yesterday. I’m in a monopengamous-relationship, where my heart is closed for only one, but my penis (vagina / anus) is open to you, you, maybe not you, definitely you, and you!”

We get bored eating the same thing every day. Can you imagine having chicken rice all the time for three years? Hmm… how about having some wild mushrooms once in a while? Yeah… just that the mushroom can turn out to be a toadstool. Here’s an idea… how about not being just a chicken rice stall, but turn the relationship into a buffet restaurant? Well, the stall is beyond repair and remodeling takes too much effort. It is easier to just have wanton noodles next to the chicken rice stall. Or that nasi lemak stall opposite. Or I can have chicken rice with dumplings soup. Heck, I’ll have ‘em all!

I attended a singles party recently and one of the unique features of it was that guests can send notes to the one/s they fancy among the crowd. I thought it was ingenious and you can imagine how flattered I was when I received a note. I opened it immediately and it read, “I think u are absolutely (?) but though ur ideals is difficult to find.” Well, I think a word is missing after ‘absolutely’, and I attribute that to the half-drunken state in which the note was probably written. The note was from one of the party’s organizers. And I could see that it’s all well-meaning.

Before everyone’s breath could start a fire, the organizer, W, engaged me in a brief chat. He asked me what I am looking for in a partner and relationship. “Monogamy,” was my reply. He had this look of bewilderment which I thought was probably because he expected me to start with the physical attributes of my ideal mate, so I explained, “I want someone who believes in a monogamous relationship. Not someone who will entertain a threesome or foursome or whatever, or will remain physically faithful and monogamous for maybe a couple of years, or say, six months, and then requests to have an open relationship.”

W replied, “That’s an ideal. Don’t be so uptight. You really think closed relationship can last?” (read : face the reality. Wake up from your fairytale happily-ever-after ending.) Well, fact is, I do. “If I expect that my relationship will eventually open up, just by entertaining that thought, then there’s a possibility that it will. If we want the best, had gotten the best, and expect nothing but the best, very often, we get it. If you allow the thought of an open relationship with your partner, well, you will get it. If you can compromise and accommodate such an arrangement and is happy with it, so be it. Your compromise will bring in what your compromise can settle for.” (I had wanted to jokingly add that it is because of people like him, with this mentality, that I’m still single. Well, I guess the joke’s really on me because the fact is, I am still single, and have been for more than 3 years.)

My choice of an ideal mate is definitely not just someone who I can share geriatric prescription with later in life. There will be all those configurations that will unlock the heart and free the horny goat with it. All I’m saying is to accept the way I love as I know how to. And don’t tell me it’s hard to find because you hadn’t found or simply because you weren’t looking. Maybe my door will open with a simple tap of an electronic card in the future, but for now, I’m keeping my 20-digit combination lock… till death do us apart.